A Conversation With Source

I’ve spoken very openly about my new journey into Orthodox Christianity, but this isn’t my first time in life acknowledging something greater than me is out there.

I was switched on at a very young age, I believe this is partially because of psychedelics.

And partially because of my appreciation for a rap group called The Underachievers, who’s lyrics about various topics on spirituality I religiously memorized.

I’ve had a close bond with that internal voice for a while, but I turned away from it at one point, not wanting to listen to it and wanting to figure it out on my own.

Very dumb mistake.

This journey into Orthodox Christianity is the first time in my life I hear that voice so clearly, there’s little to no interference in the signal, it’s so damn powerful that it’s quite intimidating.

The following transcript is one of those internal dialogues I had with something greater than me last night. God. Source. Whatever you want to call it.

Some people will say I’m crazy, I don’t really mind. Others will feel it in the words, they’ll sense the connection to their own experience with the source.

This internal dialogue came after a conversation I really was not expecting, which was very difficult. Having to let go of someone you deeply care about is never easy. But rather than just sulk in my feelings, I decided to write.

Looking back on my writing this last night, I wasn’t even really there, I just wrote purely from the feeling of something outside myself.

I really hope this helps you in some way, shape, or form. If my experience can do that for you, I’m extremely grateful to provide that to you.

N: “I don’t want to go back.”

G: “Stay with me and I’ll give you the strength you need.”

N: “It hurts.”

G: “I know, it has to hurt.”

N: “Why?”

G: “There’s no other way.”

N: “That’s why your son had to die on the cross?”

G: “Yes.”

N: “I don’t understand, I’m trying to.”

G: “That’s okay my son, give it some time.”

N: “Nothing worthwhile is easy I guess.”

G: “Yes.”

N: “I don’t want to go back.”

G: “Let’s get clear about where you don’t want to go back to.”

N: “I don’t want to go back to ignoring you.”

G: “Yes.”

N: “I don’t want to go back to the hell I created.”

G: “Yes. What hurt more, hell or this?”

N: “Hell felt like I was wasting my potential, it felt like I hated myself. This just hurts my heart. Hell was worse though.”

G: “Yes.”

N: “I know I need to ask myself questions. I don’t know which ones to ask.”

G: “Who do you need to be?”

N: “I need to be the strongest version of me.”

G: “Did you act out that version of you tonight?”

N: “Yes, I respected myself and held strong to my beliefs and values, even though it hurts.”

G: “In order to create strength, it comes through suffering. There is no way around it.”

N: “That makes sense.”

G: “You did the right thing.”

N: “You’ve been sending me a lot of lessons lately.”

G: “Yes.”

N: “Are you testing me?”

G: “I’m always testing you, my son.”

N: “You want to make sure I’m serious about walking this path with you?”

G: “Yes.”

N: “I think I’m passing your test.”

G: “Yes, right now, time will tell.”

N: “I don’t want to go back to listening to him, I want to listen to you.”

G: “Then keep listening to me, I’m here with you.”

N: “You’re wanting to see if I can be this version of myself even with all of this pain?”

G: “I’m wanting to see if you can be an even better version of yourself with all of this pain.”

N: “So pain is a blessing.”

G: “Yes.”

N: “What do you need from me?”

G: “I love this question, but I don’t need anything from you my son.”

N: “What do you want from me? Is that a better way to put it?”

G: “Yes. I want you to walk with me. Trust me.”

N: “I trust you.”

G: “I know.”

N: “It’s storming outside, lighting is everywhere, and the wind is blowing like crazy. You saying something?”

G: “Storms brewing”

N: “I googled what the storm means in the bible, it says seasons of distress and grief”

G: “Yes.”

N: “Is this a coincidence?”

G: “I create no coincidences.”

N: “Why are you doing this then?”

G: “To show you that you are the world.”

N: “I am the world.”

G: “And the world is you.”

N: “As above.”

G: “So below.”

N: “It makes sense.”

G: “It always has, has it not? You just run from it.”

N: “Why do I run from it?”

G: “Look at this storm.”

N: “Ok.”

G: “Look at my power, look at how I can change everything in a moment.”

N: “I see it.”

G: “That is what you’re afraid of.”

N: “I don’t get it.”

G: “Because you know the power I hold, and you haven’t wanted to give me control. Sometimes giving up control hurts. It requires you to let me bring the pain you need instead of numbing yourself.”

N: “I see.”

G: “Better to say you feel.”

N: “I feel.”

G: “Yes.”

N: “Thank you for this, it hurts, but I know it’s what I need to be the version of me you want me to be.”

G: “It’s not just me, it’s the version of you that you want to be.”

N: “That makes sense.”

G: “You are a part of me, never forget that my son. Pain is temporary, but I am forever.”

And that was the end of whatever I was able to tap into, I couldn’t write anything else after that last line. I woke up this morning and read all of this again, I could still feel the energy that was flowing through the words.

“Because you know the power I hold, and you haven’t wanted to give me control. Sometimes giving up control hurts. It requires you to let me bring the pain you need instead of numbing yourself.”

This line in particular brought tears to my eyes because of how much I felt it.

The storm was really what set me off to the fact that this wasn’t just me talking to me, I’m outside in the backyard, in the middle of writing this, and all of a sudden there’s lightning everywhere, and the wind is picking up like crazy.

I mention inside of the dialogue that “I don’t want to go back” multiple times. I’m talking about going back to a bitter, resentful, ignorant state of mind where I ignore God entirely, sabotage myself, lie to myself and others, and act out a version of me rooted in darkness.

This version of me usually always showed up after moments of deep pain, usually heartbreak.

I could feel the pull to go back to that state, and I just kept saying “I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to go back” and from that, I felt something say, “Stick with me. Start writing.”

I can’t explain these things fully, I can do my best, and that’s what I attempted to do here. But if you’re not a believer in the fact that we can tap into this outside energy and channel it, you probably wouldn’t have even made it this far, you would’ve just said this guy is crazy and left the page.

I don’t really have some sort of overarching lesson in this post, I just wanted to take a moment to be vulnerable, to open up like this source energy opened up to me last night. Maybe something I said was a key you’ve been looking for, or maybe it helped you somehow.

Either way, you reading this, I may not know you, but I hope you can feel the love I have for you in these words. My goal in sharing these stories is to help surround you with what I believe to be a high frequency. I may be wrong, but oh well.

Thank you for spending time with me. I am doing my best to stay in alignment, I wish the same for you. Know you are a part of something so much more powerful than you could ever imagine.