Rock Bottom

I sat on the ground in my living room, tears streaming down my face, a pit of pain in my stomach, breaking down crying with my mom on the phone.

She always knows when to give me silence and let me feel what I’m going through.

Every time I caught my breath, I would break down again, continuing to drown in shame, guilt, and regret.

Here I was, exactly at the spot I had visualized for years.

I had everything I wanted, the car, the money, the clothes, the dating life, the fast lifestyle…

The only difference was that when I visualized it every night before bed since the age of 18 or 19, I didn’t think I was going to be experiencing everything like this.

Shouldn’t I be happy that I achieved all of this at such a young age?

Shouldn’t I be grateful?

It was all completely meaningless.

All of it was just fleeting happiness wrapped in lust, greed, excess, and pride.

I had placed so much worth on being able to achieve all of this, to be able to show the world, “Look! I did it!”

To be able to show that I did it without listening to the conventional advice I was told by everyone.

No one cared.

I didn’t even care.

I had to constantly numb myself just to feel somewhat normal.

The flame from the lighter burned the weed which I needed to escape the hell I had created for myself.

Only this time, on the phone with my mom, I couldn’t escape the pain.

I told her, “I need help, I’m in too deep.”

She responded, “You can’t keep depending on yourself, you need to go to something else for strength.”

Two days later I stepped foot for the first time into an Eastern Orthodox Church.

I felt it instantly.

It was as if my ancestor’s spirits had greeted me the moment I walked in.

I knew I was home.

For years, I had tried to go to churches, but for some reason, the protestant and non-denominational churches I went to all felt very cringeworthy.

THIS is how we’re worshipping god?

With a bunch of young people with man buns, flannels, and Birkenstocks on a stage playing guitar?

It felt off.

But when I walked into the Eastern Orthodox Church, everything felt right.

And from that point on, everything in my life got so much better…

(I’ll write a post on exactly WHAT got better down the road, still accumulating benefits as we speak.)

To be honest, I chose the Orthodox Church for 2 reasons…

1. When I was born, my parents hung an icon of Saint Nicholas above my bed which was painted in the Eastern Orthodox Style. I kept that Icon with me throughout my whole life, and it felt like a seed for a tree I was supposed to plant. It only felt right that I pursue my Eastern European heritage.

2. The memes.

I don’t know how, but I found all of these different Orthodox meme pages on Instagram and I thought the content was hilarious.

But there were also very serious messages sprinkled in throughout the pages.

The main one that seemed to stick the most with me was, “I can’t imagine arriving at the end of life and God saying, “I never knew you.”

That one followed me around.

I had always studied religion and theology, but I never understood why I should follow any religion…

To me, it was just interesting to explore the themes and concepts discussed in religious stories and how they related to our own life.

But after seeing an intimation of what my life was going to be like if I continued down the path I was on, religion made perfect sense to me.

It’s intended to keep you off the paths you’re not supposed to be on.

The paths which lead you to an internalized version of hell.

Religion is intended to lead you towards an internalized version of heaven.

One where God doesn’t have to say, “I never knew you.”

But sometimes, you need to take a trip to hell.

For me, it was the only way to realize what was missing.