Carnivore Aurelius (Email Set 4)

Subject Line: NEW Product! Preview: my lawyers didn’t like this Fellow Liver Lovers, I’d like to introduce a revolutionary new product that is unlike anything you’ve ever seen before… I’ve spent months and months developing this product and have invested hundreds of thousands of dollars in clinical trials to prove its benefits* (*Carnivore Aurelius’ legal team has added some notes to my email to help protect the brand from any legal issues that may arise from the absurd claims presented in this email.) Introducing…Liver Masks! This fantastic product is like a mud mask for your face – but with liver! Here are some of the benefits we found in our clinical trial conducted with 30,000 people we held hostage in a room for seventeen days*... (*Carnivore Aurelius is not an advocate for human trafficking, kidnapping, or any criminal actions outside of maybe sunning your balls in public. There was no clinical trial conducted, none of the benefits are true, this email is a joke. How does this guy have a company?) * Testosterone levels increased by 84,000% * Bench press weight increased by 63.2% * Candidates were able to recite π (Pi) in full without any memorization * Everyone got super tan * MOOOOOO * Plan for world peace created * Testosterone levels increased again by 4% * 64% of the group was able to speak to alpacas, while the remaining 36% was able to understand what the alpacas were saying * Super chill vibes * Testosterone levels increased again by 687% How about those benefits? All completely true even with double-blind placebos!* (*Dude, you can’t say this. Literally not one of these benefits is true and you didn’t conduct any studies. Also, “MOOOOOO” is one of the benefits, what does that even mean?) Now, you can get the best of both worlds: healthy skin, and the benefits of protein-rich liver in a delicious nutrient power-house snack. Liver Masks are easy to use – simply rub the liver onto your face and let it sit for 15 minutes. After that, just rinse it off with warm water, or let your partner lick it off you! Either way, you’ll be left with a youthful glow.* (*Gross.) Try Liver Masks today to feel the difference – and get glowing skin without all the mess. Get ready to wow everyone with your newfound radiance! (*Carnivore Aurelius is never going to sell Liver Masks as a product, he wrote this email as a joke, please do not go to the website to try and buy this product, it does not exist.) Moo, Carnivore Aurelius Subject: fun date ideas Preview: nothing better than a warm, delicious, yummy date Fellow Health-Conscious Human, I love dates. I like licking them, eating them, soaking them in water, and even enjoying them with raw milk. I'm talking about the fruit, but the same applies to finding the love of a fellow genital-sunning, liver-eating, steak-cooking human. There was actually a study conducted in 2009 about the health benefits of dates, specifically Hallawi dates and Medjool dates… Let me list out the benefits for you that they found through a clinical setting and then I’ll explain them all to you in plain and simple English. * Consuming 100 grams of either Medjool or Hallawi dates per day for four weeks did not affect the subjects' body mass index or their cholesterol levels * Fasting serum glucose and triacylglycerol levels were not increased and their serum triacylglycerol levels actually decreased by 8-15% after consuming the dates * The Hallawi dates had a beneficial effect on the subjects' serum oxidative status and the activity of an antioxidant enzyme * Date consumption, particularly the Hallawi variety, can be considered an antiatherogenic nutrient, which can help to reduce the risk of developing atherosclerosis and other cardiovascular diseases. Okay so now let’s expand on the definitions of these terms, and then explain to you why the findings of this study are important… * The dates having zero negative effects on body mass index or cholesterol levels is important because both body mass index and cholesterol levels are important indicators of overall health and well-being. High body mass index and high cholesterol levels are both associated with an increased risk of chronic diseases, such as heart disease, stroke, and diabetes. Therefore, if dates do not affect these factors, it suggests that they may be a healthy food to include in the diet. * High levels of fasting serum glucose, also known as blood sugar, can be a sign of diabetes and high levels of triacylglycerol, also known as triglycerides, can be a sign of high cholesterol or other conditions which can increase the risk of heart disease. Serum triacylglycerol levels and triacylglycerol levels are the same thing. Triacylglycerol is the technical term for a type of fat found in the bloodstream, and serum is the liquid part of the blood that remains after red blood cells, white blood cells, and other cells have been removed. This study found that the dates lowered the serum triacylglycerol levels by 8-15%, which means dates lower the risk of heart disease. * Having good serum oxidative status means that your body is able to effectively manage oxidative stress, which is the result of an imbalance between the production of free radicals and the body's ability to neutralize them. Free radicals are highly reactive molecules that can damage cells and tissues and have been linked to a number of chronic diseases, including heart disease, cancer, and Alzheimer's disease. Dates were beneficial to serum oxidative status, which means they reduce the risk of all of these diseases. * An antiatherogenic nutrient is a type of nutrient that is believed to have properties that can help prevent the development of atherosclerosis, which is a condition in which the arteries become narrowed and hardened by the accumulation of plaque. So dates reduce help keep your arteries healthy and prevent plaque build-up. Tl;dr? Dates are really good for you, eat them. There are way more benefits to them than I included in this email, I just wanted to go through one study which I really enjoyed. They’re a delicious way to increase your intake of essential vitamins and minerals (dates have solid amounts of boron, calcium, cobalt, copper, fluorine, iron, magnesium, manganese, potassium, phosphorous, sodium and zinc), and they’re a great way to help regulate blood sugar and prevent diseases. Pair them with some beef liver and you’re in business for obtaining some pretty badass health benefits. Moo, Carnivore Aurelius Subject line: should you cold plunge? Preview: Wim Hoff HATES me… Fellow Testosterone-Loving Human, I would like to present to you some information that I’ve found after doing some research on cold exposure… Cold plunging has absolutely blown up, and tons of people are touting its benefits, particularly in regard to boosting their immunity and helping fight inflammation. I totally agree that it can help with those two areas, but after reading a specific study, I have to say that I’m staying away from the cold. The title of the study was “Effects of physical exercise and cold stimulation on serum testosterone level in men” and here’s the summary… (Ladies, you should still stick around, while the study was only for men, I’ve done my best to include some ways this could apply to women.) The study involved 32 male participants performing physical exercise on a stationary bike, and their hormone levels were measured before and after the exercise. The study found that the level of testosterone in the blood significantly increased by 20.8% after the physical exercise, and the levels of luteinizing hormone (LH - stimulates the production of testosterone in men, and the production of estrogen in women) and noradrenaline (NA - regulates heart rate, blood pressure, and the body's response to stress for both men and women) increased by 3.6% and 140.0%, respectively. In contrast, the study found that cold water stimulation did not have the same effect on hormone levels… * Testosterone decreased by 10.0% * LH decreased by 22.1% * NA decreased by 23.8% So yes, there are definitely some immunity benefits to cold plunging because it helps produce white blood cells which fight off infections… But there are also some serious drawbacks. It’s kind of like someone giving you a cookie and then punching you in the face right after. Utilizing a sauna can help give you similar immune-boosting benefits because it also produces more white blood cells and antibodies for you. And on top of that, there are multiple studies that suggest regular sauna usage can help boost all of the right male vitality hormones. So I would highly recommend you ditch the cold plunges and embrace the sauna. Moo, Carnivore Aurelius