The Removal Of Fear

Wrapping up this trip to Austin and it’s been nothing short of amazing…

So many fascinating people, a lot of interesting scenarios, and all around one of my favorite trips I’ve ever taken.

I feel really charged up.

And a huge reason for that is the lack of resistance I’ve had while spending time with Jesse Elder.

Up until now, I’ve had to apply a lot of force in my life to make shit happen.

And don’t get me wrong, it’s worked very well…

I think it has a time and a place but for where I’m at in my journey, I don’t think I need to come from a place of force anymore.

The energy needs to be based on power…

And I don’t think I can experience power if I’m constantly judging myself, trying to be someone I’m not.

I know who I am, and trying to run from that and change my core fundamental truth is just fighting an uphill battle…

My buddy Fraser said something to me the other day, “Nick, you are my favorite psychopath. You recognize the game, know how to play the game, but you don’t let it affect you, you’re still an absolute sweetheart.”

And that’s partially true.

I have let it affect me, that’s where the psychopath comes out.

The game is the game of life.

My understanding of the game is literally all of my life experiences wrapped up with a nice pretty bow on top of it.

I continue to grow my understanding of it, but on top of that, I really do enjoy playing the game.

The game isn’t candy land though, it’s rough on the edges, and it requires you to have thick skin…

But more than anything, it requires you to understand how to assess people without judging them in order to steer yourself away from circumstances you don’t want to be a part of.

This is where the psychopath part of me was developed.

It’s the part of me that hates losing…

It’s the part of me that’s thinking 3-4 steps ahead, looking out for myself at the cost of others, and not letting other people fuck up my role in the game.

Truth be told, I am vicious at times.

It’s a side of me I’ve really had to work on because it’s a sharp blade…

And many people have accidentally been cut by my misinterpretation of when to draw the blade.

I’m not trying to act like Mr. Tough Guy or anything like that, I’m not talking about something physical like actually fighting someone…

I more so mean my willingness to cut people off…

To set myself up in a position of power so they can’t win which doesn’t necessarily look good when they had no bad intentions…

Telling people off and verbally ripping them to shreds…

Viewing them only by their faults and distancing myself because of it…

This is my dark side, but I don’t hold any contempt towards that version of Nick.

I know why he exists, and I know exactly where he came from.

He’s served as the counterweight to the other side of me which is an absolute lover.

This side of me is so excited about life and other people, he just wants to give and give and give…

He has nothing but the purest intentions.

But he’s been hurt by so many people, his hearts been broken, he’s been stabbed in the back, and he’s been played like a fool.

And so I had to swing all the way to the other side of the pendulum and go into massive defense mode…

Everyone is out to get me.

I can’t trust anyone.

You need to set yourself up in a position where you can’t get got.

Blade drawn at all times, holding that energy at all times.

It’s like that Conor McGregor quote…

“With all due respect to everyone, fuck everyone.”

That’s the frame of mind I’ve walked around with at times, and I can see that to me it seems like the “I just gotta get it done, by any means necessary” attitude…

But really it comes from a place of deep pain…

It comes from a place of serious hurt in my own life.

It’s me walking around with all this shit stacked on my back (most of which came from my lack of ability to understand the game) just weighing me down…

I understand where vicious Nick comes from.

I understand why he feels the way he does.

I know he just wants to protect me…

But what I’ve been able to see from this experience is that he’s holding me back more than he’s helping…

Because he comes out from a place of fear.

He’s drawing the blade because he just doesn’t want to get cut again…

But what he can’t see, is that no one is trying to cut him…

He’s just been cutting himself over and over again drawing it from it’s sheath…

Everyone is just doing their own thing.

And most of them are in the exact same position, hiding their wounds, blade drawn, signaling to everyone to please not fuck with them.

The removal of this…

Is the removal of fear…

The removal of fear…

Is the removal of resistance…

And the removal of resistance is what allows life to flow.

And that has been the main thing I’ve gotten from this trip.

Priceless to say the least.

All the best, my friend.